By Andy Tarnoff   Published Aug 30, 2000 at 6:30 AM

Less than two hours to the south of Milwaukee lies a furniture store so enormous, it looks like it could eat new Miller Park for dinner. It's bright blue and yellow and full of inexpensive, ultra-modern Scandinavian furniture. And if you have already been to the IKEA in Schaumburg, you can just skip this article: you're probably already singing its praises.

The Midwest's only IKEA opened in fall of 1998, many, many years too late. There are 15 other stores in the United States, though most are located on the coasts, and the second closest store is in far away Pittsburgh. Fortunately, however, the Swedes who own IKEA realized that even in the heartland, we're crying out for good, cheap furniture, and built the North America's largest branch in Milwaukee's back yard. And it's about time, too -- I remember bringing a coffee table home from a business trip to Seattle. How's that for a carry-on item?

Let me make one thing crystal clear: IKEA is no ordinary furniture store. First of all, it really is huge, though maybe not quite as big as Miller Park. It's a total of three stories, and the perimeter of each floor is lined with fully-decorated rooms full of IKEA goodness. They have just about everything, from living rooms, dining rooms, kitchens and bathrooms. You can dine on Swedish meatballs for lunch and peruse the marketplace for plants and other knick knacks and assorted pieces of esoterica.

Almost all of the furniture needs to be assembled by you, which can be a daunting task. As IKEA boasts stores in countries from Australia to the United Arab Emirates, most of their directions don't use words, just Lego-like cryptic pictographs. But that's part of the reason their furniture is so affordable. Where else can you a chair that features stylishly curved, laminated beech arms with a comfortable inner-spring seat -- that looks like it came from Rubin's, Scan Interior or Workbench -- for just $169? (The model is named HOVA, by the way.)

Every piece of furniture at IKEA has some crazy-sounding Swedish name, like JUSSI, FROSTA or RINGO, which is pretty cool when you can refer to your furniture by name. "Mr. Smith, please meet my sofa, VARNAMO."

The quality of the furniture varies with price. Obviously, the leather sofas are not self-assembled, and their quality is great. Of course, STROMSTAD, with its Massiv black leather, wood frame and tubular steel like costs $999 (which is still reasonable). Some of the less expensive furniture, like the venerable BILLY bookcases, start at just $49, but they are largely made of cheaper particle board with a veneer finish. Regardless, for students and new families, all IKEA furniture looks stylish and great, and it more than does the job for a couple years.

IKEA's Web site is somewhat weak, and although it's improving, it's no replacement for the good old-fashioned once-a-year catalog. Getting that catalog is also a little tricky. You can pick one up in person, though they seem to sell-out in just a few months. They say you can reserve one online at their site.

If you think IKEA will gladly ship your item, guess again. Their mail order system is virtually non-existent, and one gets very little assistance shipping from the store. In fact, if you can't pick up your item in person, you might as well shop elsewhere. This stuff is heavy, and the price difference after shipping costs usually isn't worth the headache.

Finally, call ahead! Because IKEA seems to refill their stock about once a year, much of the inventory is sold out in a few months. I'll never forget the time I rented a conversion van in Milwaukee only to find that the dining rooms chairs I saw in the catalog were long since sold out.

Shopping at IKEA can easily be an all-day extravaganza. So bring the mini-van down to Schaumburg, and it's easy to find. Take I-294 to Golf Road and just keep going west. It's across the street from the equally expansive Woodfield Mall, at 1800 E. McConnor Parkway. If you get lost, call them at 847-969-9700.