By Sarah Foster Special to OnMilwaukee.com Published Jul 10, 2009 at 8:03 PM

Like our age or our weight, there is little number is one we tend to lie about. Men like to inflate it and women like to subtract a few, because we all know the stigmas and double-standards associated with your number of sexual partners.

Much like drinking, sex is something I'm glad I experienced before college (but not too much before) and, more specifically, with someone I cared about. I would've been a lot more naïve about the emotional and physical effects, if I hadn't.

That's not to say that there haven't been times when I wished I'd waited until I was more mature and better able to handle some of the consequences. I've even wondered how it would feel to save that first time for the one you were going to marry. Nice in theory, but it's a comforting feeling to know you're physically compatible with someone in bed before you get hitched. I don't think sex is everything, but it is a pretty important thing in my book and if you're planning to spend the rest of your life having sex with one person, wouldn't you like to know in advance if you're on the same page in that department?

Through feminism, the sexual revolution and the evolution of spring break, we still see women as needing to be virtuous and innocent. We want to believe the same girl that gives great blow jobs didn't get great at it through experience, but rather amazing God-given talent. Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night. The women in porn are fun to think about, but does that fantasy mesh with reality? No one gets that excited about sloppy seconds, let alone sloppy 63rds.

At the same time, we look at men with high numbers of sexual partners not as potential STD petri dishes but as "players," the guy all girls want and all guys want to be. Through college and after, I have pondered the reasons behind this age-old double standard. Why are sexually experienced men "players" and sexually experienced women "sluts?"

A girl I went to college with had had sex with 18 men by the time we were ending our freshman year (for a little perspective, I was at a whopping two). I knew she was no saint, but I also could not fathom even finding 18 guys on campus I would've been willing to share a cup of coffee with, let alone jump in bed with them. More than anything, I was intrigued and a little scared for her. I knew that many of those instances had involved alcohol, possibly no protection and I wondered what it was doing to her reputation and, in turn, her self-esteem. That was my perspective on it, but if she was having fun and being careful then who was I to judge?

On the other end of the spectrum, a childhood friend that once debated joining a convent is still a virgin at 27. Again, I cannot imagine myself in this position, but this is a woman I have known for a long time. Though I don't share many of her views, I have always respected her decision to save that special piece of herself for the person she will marry. I don't know that it's wise, but I'm aware that it's not my decision or my business. Still she's the one missing out on the fun.

A guy I've been friends with since I was 15 told me his number was past 30 by the time he graduated college. Now, I've never been great at math, but... ewwww!

I know we are all supposed to "oooh and ahh" at the amazing man that has spread his DNA all over the southern half of the state, whether or not he remembers the names of the 30 women he's had sex with, but in my mind my friend may be a player but he's also a slut.

I'm not impressed by the notches in his bedpost. I'm not planning to pat him on the back and congratulate him on his many "conquests." The way I see it, if you'll have sex, protected or not, with anything that walks, and in this case, gets drunk, I'm pretty sure, male or female, you fit the definition. My definition, anyway. Because I know his personality it's laughable, but I wouldn't venture to say attractive.

If you've had sex with close to 40 people but each time has been sober, protected and with someone who's first name you remember, can that be compared to someone that has had sex with fewer than 10 but all unprotected one night stands? Who's the slut?

I know people are all over the board on this. Those who have had sex with more people that you can fit in the average basement house party to those who married their first love and have no plans to stray from that bond for the sake of getting off. Opinions range just as much on the subject, everyone has their own definitions of sluts, players and prudes whether or not they base it off of just the numbers.

Women obviously get the short end of the stick in this situation. We like having sex just as much as guys, yet we carry the burden of developing a bad reputation based on the number of partners we let in our beds, while you guys get props for the same behavior.

Not that I think this will change anytime soon. I'm just as guilty of branding people based on the way they dress and how many partners it appears they've had. Lucky for the guys, society sways in your favor. You get older, stay single and sleep around and that makes you an experienced, silver fox bachelor. I truly can't say the same applies to most women.

The operative word in the last paragraph is "appears." Ladies, your number is your own, but keep in mind that people tend to believe what is perceived to be true just as much if not more often that what may be the honest truth and your number of sexual partners is not excluded from the rule.

 

Sarah Foster Special to OnMilwaukee.com

No, the OnMilwaukee.com sex columnist's real name is not Sarah Foster. (Foster is the model/actress that played an ex-lover of Vincent Chase in the first season of "Entourage.") In reality, our sex columnist is a Wisconsin native with a degree in journalism and a knack for getting people to talk to her.

Sarah never considered herself an "above average" listener. Others, however, seem to think differently. Perhaps she has a sympathetic tone or expression that compels people to share their lives and secrets with her despite how little they know her. Everyone from the girl that does her hair to people in line at the grocery store routinely spill the details of their lives and relationships to Sarah, unprompted but typically not unwanted. It’s strange to her that people would do this, but she doesn’t mind. Sarah likes that she can give advice even if it is to complete strangers.

So why the pseudonym? Simple. People tell Sarah these things because for some reason they trust her. They believe she cares and therefore will keep their secrets in a locked vault the same way a best friend or therapist would. Sarah won't name names, but that vault is now unlocked.